Maybe there is a way out of the cage where you live in.....

The words are moving within me again.  The bubbling and the churning that has reached the top of my chest.  I have a tendency to try to keep it all there until the pressure cooker can't take it anymore.  It feels like I can explode in a torrent of tears.  But I keep the lid on because it is safer that way.  I blame all those times I heard "Shut up or I will give you something to cry about" when I was a kid.   Crying is weak.  And frankly a part of me thinks that if I start, I won't be able to stop

And then something happens.  I get a sign.  A BIG FUCKING sign!  Music talks to me.  It saved my life as a kid.  Helped me deal as a teenager and carries me through stress and strain every day.  And my favorites are eclectic and strange at times.  My shuffle goes from Dixie Chicks to Lady Gaga to Justin Beiber to Chad Elliott to Mackelmore and Ryan Lewis to Mat D and the Profane Saints.  But a song that brings that bubbling to a head finds itself playing on the radio at the most appropriate time.  The time when for whatever reason I need it the most.  A sign!

October 2011, Ms. Sara Bareilles showed us what it is like to be with the  King of Everything.........."Let Me Hold Your Crown Babe"!  It was the theme to a very important road trip in my life.  And guess what HERE SHE IS AGAIN!

Nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle 'neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you...

Say what you want to say and let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be BRAVE

The first time I had a reaction to this song, I was sitting in my dining room working on bills or a project, and the meaning of the words hit me hard!  Sobs erupted enough to worry my Sulu dog so that he came up to me and rested his head on my lap with his "it's okay mom" puppy eyes.  

Show me how big your brave is.........

The lid slipped off the pressure cooker a bit and let some of the churning toxins out.  So I keep hearing her speak to me at the strangest times.  And then I attend a conference for work.  A mom is speaking about her child being abducted and the tragedy that befell the family with that child's murder.  She started a foundation to assist other parents of abducted and murdered children.  This beautiful little angel would draw pictures for her mother and on those pictures she wrote "BE BRAVE".  The theme for this foundation is BE BRAVE.  I was taken aback.  There are those words again.

Let your words be anything but empty........why don't you tell them the truth.

So today, I am meeting with my counselor.  And I am telling her about the Sulu moment and the conference moment.  And the pressure cooker is at maximum today.  Things are going to boil over.  Lots of things are piling and churning and reacting like acid causing pain.  No deep breaths or cleansing thoughts today.  Just sadness and melancholy and anger and pain.

Stop holding your tongue

Lots of tears during the session.  Think I am done, the pressure is released a bit.  Get in my car, start to head home.  Turned the radio on......Ms Sara!  SIGN AGAIN AND AGAIN.  Driving with streaming eyes and snotty nose in rush hour traffic is not my idea of safe driving but I didn't care at that moment.

How big is my brave?

May be one of these days you can let the light in.

SAY WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY AND LET THE WORDS FALL OUT
HONESTLY 

I WANT TO SEE YOU BE BRAVE!!!

I need to be brave!  I need to let the light in and move free from the cage.  The tides of grief move in and out like the ocean.  Bravery through the high tide and the low tide both.  Breathe, scream, cry and swear!

I WANT TO SEE ME BE BRAVE!  LET THE WORDS FALL OUT!  HONESTLY!  I WANT TO SEE ME BE BRAVE!

I am trying.........