In the middle of a very busy weekend so I am going to take just a little time to write. I feel the need to write about mindfulness this morning. Mindfulness is a practice of working daily to be in the present. To be deliberate about watering seeds of kindness, joy, and love.
I feel the need to write this down because I haven't done that very much in the last few weeks. It has been very hard to not stay in the moment. To worry and fret about the future, about others, about myself. I was once told that worry is a form of control - and since I do it a lot - and there are those that feel like I am a control freak - what? - it doesn't surprise me that I worry and fret.
An example in my current meditation book "The Miracle of Mindfulness" discusses washing dishes. When we talk about "being in the moment or the present" one would not think that it would be while we are washing dishes. But Thich Nhat Hanh says that even the smallest task, like washing the dishes, should be done in the present. For a person that uses housework as a way to process and ponder life's challenges, this statement freaks me out a bit. "while washing the dishes one should be completely aware of the fact that one is washing the dishes. At first glance, that might seem a little silly (YA THINK?): why put so much stress on a simple thing?" But that is his point: ".....being completely myself, following my breath, conscious of my presence, and conscious of my thought and actions". It seems incredibly silly to think of this simple task as mindful, but the mindfulness practice can begin with that mundane task. And as I type this I realize he wouldn't be very happy with me calling any task throughout the day as "mundane". All tasks and thoughts have their place whether big or small.
Mindfulness is "taking hold of one's breath". I have been trying (some times not very successfully) to pay attention to my breath. I know that when I am stressed or upset, my breath is shorter and quicker. This then leads to tense muscles and less cleansing breaths. THUS, I need a massage and an O2 tank this week. Hanh says "breath is the bridge which connects life to consciousness, which unites your body to your thoughts. Whenever your mind becomes scattered, use your breath as the means to take hold of your mind again." Breath is a "tool to build up concentration power. Concentration power is the strength which comes from practicing mindfulness."
Does that mean that lack of concentrated breathing means lack of focus and concentration? If so, then that would explain a lot. How many of us have done the whole "walk into a room and not remember what you went in there for"? How many of us feel unfocused and disconnected throughout the week? Could this be solved by systematic breathing through awareness of our breath (meditation....)?
Meditation looks different than what we have in our brain. It doesn't have to be sitting in the "lotus" position with our eyes closed humming "OHM". Standing at the sink doing dishes and paying attention to our breath and nothing else in our lives except the dishes at that particular moment.
OLD HABITS are hard to break. So I plan to take it slow -- too much multi-tasking -- when I do the dishes, I do the dishes. When I fold laundry, I fold laundry. Nothing else in my day will insert itself in my brain. WOW.......this is going to be hard! Okay - here we go. BREATHE IN.........BREATH OUT.........focus on just what I am doing, not all those lists in my head or those hundreds of worries that I have in my brain or those many things that I have NO control over.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Biorhythms, Energy and my MOOD
Kicking the doldrums in the BUTT hasn't been a success at all probably for the last almost 2 to 3 months. I can't explain it other than I just want to hibernate and be anti-social. Investigating what it all means. Some would say depression. But ALAS, I have had that checked by a professional and the diagnosis was 'not so much'. So.............I started to research biorhythms. Of course 'there is an app for that'.
Curtis and I are hooked into the Apple cloud. What the hell does that mean? It means that when one of us downloads an App it shows up on the other's phone. So good thing there are no male stripper apps huh? Any-who.....he downloaded this app for our iPhones that shows us where our biorhythms are......well let me tell you!
Wait....first of all -- what are biorhythms? Biorhythms are "a cyclically recurring pattern of physiological states in an organism or organ, such as alpha rhythm or circadian rhythm; believed by some to affect physical and mental states and behavior". Here is an online Online Biorhythm Chart that you can do for yourself.
I put all this information in my app and discovered something very interesting. My intellectual, physical and emotional rhythms have ALL been less than 0 (range is 100% to 0% to -100%) for a bit now. Emotional has been hanging in the -90% range. Ah - HA! Solution! Nope - Not so fast. They haven't been there for 2-3 months - just a couple days.
And as most of my faithful readers know, I am especially tuned in to energy and the "feelings" I get from people and situations. Well that has been a bit messed up during this time period. I still get those strong CREEPER feelings. But my usual energy feelings from people are clouded by something. I have NO IDEA what it is, but it is freaking me out. Is that some weird paranormal energy seeping in to disrupt the patterns? Does my emotional biorhythm in the negative have an affect on it? My friends on ghost hunters would likely confirm that. I just want it to come back. I feel all discombobulated (yeah - that's a word) when I don't have that energy gauge.
So what does this all mean? I am still grumpy. I am still crabby. I can't shut my brain off at night so no sleep. So I am tired. The not so good news is when I look ahead to see where my biorhythms are in a week or two -- emotional is still hanging low - -90% again! So I don't see any tunnel out of this any time soon. This is the official warning. Gonna be lots of silence and just doing my thing for the next couple of weeks. And I will work very hard to move through it, but today I feel like I need a bulldozer to push it all aside.
Curtis and I are hooked into the Apple cloud. What the hell does that mean? It means that when one of us downloads an App it shows up on the other's phone. So good thing there are no male stripper apps huh? Any-who.....he downloaded this app for our iPhones that shows us where our biorhythms are......well let me tell you!
Wait....first of all -- what are biorhythms? Biorhythms are "a cyclically recurring pattern of physiological states in an organism or organ, such as alpha rhythm or circadian rhythm; believed by some to affect physical and mental states and behavior". Here is an online Online Biorhythm Chart that you can do for yourself.
I put all this information in my app and discovered something very interesting. My intellectual, physical and emotional rhythms have ALL been less than 0 (range is 100% to 0% to -100%) for a bit now. Emotional has been hanging in the -90% range. Ah - HA! Solution! Nope - Not so fast. They haven't been there for 2-3 months - just a couple days.
And as most of my faithful readers know, I am especially tuned in to energy and the "feelings" I get from people and situations. Well that has been a bit messed up during this time period. I still get those strong CREEPER feelings. But my usual energy feelings from people are clouded by something. I have NO IDEA what it is, but it is freaking me out. Is that some weird paranormal energy seeping in to disrupt the patterns? Does my emotional biorhythm in the negative have an affect on it? My friends on ghost hunters would likely confirm that. I just want it to come back. I feel all discombobulated (yeah - that's a word) when I don't have that energy gauge.
So what does this all mean? I am still grumpy. I am still crabby. I can't shut my brain off at night so no sleep. So I am tired. The not so good news is when I look ahead to see where my biorhythms are in a week or two -- emotional is still hanging low - -90% again! So I don't see any tunnel out of this any time soon. This is the official warning. Gonna be lots of silence and just doing my thing for the next couple of weeks. And I will work very hard to move through it, but today I feel like I need a bulldozer to push it all aside.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Happy Sunday - Coffee Drinkers and Tea Sippers
It has been an eventful week since I have written down my thoughts and ideas in this space.
From wedding dress fitting adventures to dog vaccine crisis and throw in a couple extremely crabby-filled days, it has been a roller coaster.
Bailey and I ventured to Cedar Rapids and met up with the future in-laws for a wedding dress extravaganza. Kara and her sister were way more patient than I think I would have been. Kara looked beautiful in every dress that she tried. And she found the one that works.........I won't post it here, because my amazing son doesn't want to see the dress until the day of......But trust me it is beautiful. It was an emotional day for all and as you can see Emily was a little "verklempt" because her baby looked so beautiful.
Emily and I had fun looking at some of the ugly Mother of the "__________" dresses. She and I will be life long friends and I am so happy that she and I enjoy each other's company.
Before this adventure, I took our dogs in for their annual Spring vaccines and check ups. The vet (who we really like normally and does a great job with our little girls) talked me in to a Liptrospirosis vaccine. So I did it. Got everything else done and headed home. Within 45 minutes, Zoe's head swelled to twice it's size, she had hives, and was having problems breathing. (Too stressed to take pictures of her. ) Rushed her back to the vet, where they gave her a steroid shot and an antihistamine shot. Poor thing. She looked miserable and then was very, very loopy. This was all close to about 8:00 pm by the time we got it all wrapped up (the time the vet closes). About two hours later, Stella starts her reaction to the vaccine. She started itching and her eyes were watering and she was hacking/coughing. So we rushed her to the Vet emergency room at ISU in Ames and they took great care of her and did the same thing with the steroids and the antihistamine and sent us on our way. That night Stella got worse. She wouldn't sleep, seemed to be having a reaction to the antihistamines (kind of like when a kid has the opposite reaction to benedryl and it makes them hyper). I was up all night with her. The next morning, I took her back to the vet; was very tired so very grumpy with the vet and they kept her for observation. She wouldn't walk on her back legs. So this mommy automatically goes to neurological damage. They called me Friday afternoon and said "she seems to be fine it was a reaction to the antihistamine" - I picked her up. NOT fine.....FAR from fine. So we kept watch through another night and I had to head to Cedar Rapids the next morning. Curtis ended up taking her back to the vet AGAIN on Saturday. They kept her again -- no diagnosis -- but since she was not eating or drinking at this point, they gave her fluids and another steroid shot. Still not doing well when I got back Saturday night. This whole story DOES have a happy ending. By Sunday afternoon, she was back to some what of her old self. She finally started eating and playing little bit. WHEW! Feel like we dodge a bullet. Advice to little dog owners reading this.......do research on any vaccine before they want you to get it done.
Chihuahuas are sensitive to different things any way. I think this just reaffirmed that I will say "no thank you let me wait" next time until I can get my ducks in a row. Side note - they are supposed to go back for a three week booster - NOT GONNA HAPPEN!
This weekend we are in Spencer for a friends' child's wedding. It was beautiful and very emotional. I miss seeing my Kathy and all the folks that were all there supporting KK.
Great job with those boys by the way. Grown up into incredible men.
The week rounded out with complete crabbiness that I can't shake. I am not sure where it is coming from, but it needs to go away. Meditation hasn't helped. Alcohol helps temporarily. I hope it is just some biorhythms thing and I will move out of it next week. We will see. Have a great one y'all and catch ya later.
From wedding dress fitting adventures to dog vaccine crisis and throw in a couple extremely crabby-filled days, it has been a roller coaster.
 |
| A Mother-Daughter moment |
Emily and I had fun looking at some of the ugly Mother of the "__________" dresses. She and I will be life long friends and I am so happy that she and I enjoy each other's company.
Before this adventure, I took our dogs in for their annual Spring vaccines and check ups. The vet (who we really like normally and does a great job with our little girls) talked me in to a Liptrospirosis vaccine. So I did it. Got everything else done and headed home. Within 45 minutes, Zoe's head swelled to twice it's size, she had hives, and was having problems breathing. (Too stressed to take pictures of her. ) Rushed her back to the vet, where they gave her a steroid shot and an antihistamine shot. Poor thing. She looked miserable and then was very, very loopy. This was all close to about 8:00 pm by the time we got it all wrapped up (the time the vet closes). About two hours later, Stella starts her reaction to the vaccine. She started itching and her eyes were watering and she was hacking/coughing. So we rushed her to the Vet emergency room at ISU in Ames and they took great care of her and did the same thing with the steroids and the antihistamine and sent us on our way. That night Stella got worse. She wouldn't sleep, seemed to be having a reaction to the antihistamines (kind of like when a kid has the opposite reaction to benedryl and it makes them hyper). I was up all night with her. The next morning, I took her back to the vet; was very tired so very grumpy with the vet and they kept her for observation. She wouldn't walk on her back legs. So this mommy automatically goes to neurological damage. They called me Friday afternoon and said "she seems to be fine it was a reaction to the antihistamine" - I picked her up. NOT fine.....FAR from fine. So we kept watch through another night and I had to head to Cedar Rapids the next morning. Curtis ended up taking her back to the vet AGAIN on Saturday. They kept her again -- no diagnosis -- but since she was not eating or drinking at this point, they gave her fluids and another steroid shot. Still not doing well when I got back Saturday night. This whole story DOES have a happy ending. By Sunday afternoon, she was back to some what of her old self. She finally started eating and playing little bit. WHEW! Feel like we dodge a bullet. Advice to little dog owners reading this.......do research on any vaccine before they want you to get it done.
 |
| Zoe on Sunday -- three days after the incident and she looks MUCH better |
Chihuahuas are sensitive to different things any way. I think this just reaffirmed that I will say "no thank you let me wait" next time until I can get my ducks in a row. Side note - they are supposed to go back for a three week booster - NOT GONNA HAPPEN!
This weekend we are in Spencer for a friends' child's wedding. It was beautiful and very emotional. I miss seeing my Kathy and all the folks that were all there supporting KK.
Great job with those boys by the way. Grown up into incredible men.
The week rounded out with complete crabbiness that I can't shake. I am not sure where it is coming from, but it needs to go away. Meditation hasn't helped. Alcohol helps temporarily. I hope it is just some biorhythms thing and I will move out of it next week. We will see. Have a great one y'all and catch ya later.
Friday, May 4, 2012
NOT GUILTY!
This week has SUCKED! I can't even begin to tell you the Crabby Sucky Mood that I have been in.
It all began when I received the following information for a Sexual Assault Trial. Make sure you go to the link and read it from first sentence to last paragraph. Then I read this article regarding the last part of the trial. Again, make sure you read it from first sentence to last paragraph. And then here is the verdict. Again, please read beginning to end. The context of the rest of this RANT will not work unless you are immersed in the details of this case.
By the time I get to the second sentence of the first article, my blood is boiling. The brutality of the perpetrator and the indifference of the system is amazingly sickening. I can not understand how a jury of 12 people can listen to the evidence relayed in these two articles and say not guilty. NOT GUILTY? Since when does consensual sex leave a laceration injury completely to the pelvic bone? It makes me physically sick to think about the pain this victim went through. The defendant and the victim both testified that she said "NO". Even though the Iowa Code is very specific about what constitutes a "NO". It doesn't matter, they both testified that she said NO.
And the so called EXPERT said that "NO REALLY MEANS YES". WHAT THE FUCK?????? In what instance does NO MEAN YES? Give me an example of NO means YES! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME????????
Okay - breathe.......As an advocate, I am not naive enough to think that the criminal justice system works. It is my experience that in sexual assault cases it very RARELY works. Statistics show that less than 5% of perpetrators of sexual assault NATIONWIDE actually spend any time in jail. I get that. I HATE IT, but I get it. So to hear a case as blatant as this one fit the mold of what we know to be true about sexual assault. The victim's behavior......the perpetrator's behavior........law enforcement's........medical professions.......it goes on and on and on. TEXTBOOK!!!!
When I worked directly with victims and as I taught future victim advocates, I stressed that we have to send a very confusing message: Victim's need to report the assault that happens to them.....but at the same time we have to tell them that even though you report, and go through all the humiliation and pain of the report (just after you were BRUTALLY RAPED), you must find a way to heal from this trauma in spite of the flaws of the judicial system and all the breakdowns that come from that. I wish I could say that for every case like this there are 4 success stories (some credible statistic); but I CAN'T.
So what do we do as a society? How should juries be more educated about victimization, trauma and perpetrator behavior. I think it has to come from the entire communities that we live in. GET OVER YOURSELVES and the thought that 'this can't happen to me because I make better choices'. Or.....this is the rare case because the real perpetrator is the pedophile registered next door or the stranger that jumps out of the bushes on the trail when I am running. The real perpetrator is the person we know -- the relative that has been perpetrating generation after generation after generation and the family system that enables it to continue with secrecy and protection. The real perpetrator is the acquaintance that "parties" with you and forces you by holding you in a chair and then pushing you to the floor and tearing up your insides from the forced sex. The real perpetrator is the husband that forces his wife to have sex because the alternative choice is a kick to the stomach or the head.
Hard words to read? Imagine what she is going through?
GENDERCIDE -- it really isn't just happening in other countries (see my previous post entitled WAR ON HUMANITY). The gendercide happening here is more covert. The "life sentence" that this victim received will be the permanent damage from the physical assault of the rape. It will be the flashbacks and memories FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE! It will be a life sentence of trauma recovery. Can she heal and "FORGET ABOUT IT (don't fucking get me started on therapist that do 'just forget about it' therapy)? Absolutely - and I am confident that because she has survived this long, she will be able to do that - she is STRONG. But it will affect decisions and choices she makes for the rest of her life. It affects who she chooses for a partner. It affects her decisions regarding having children. It affects her career choices.
As I am writing this, I then get a notice from a local news station (cuz that's how I get my information overload) regarding the verdict for a local (here in DM on another college campus) sexual abuse trial. YEAH! A victory in a very brutal sexual assault trial. Are these two cases different? Yes. While I am ecstatic that there is a verdict of GUILTY in a sexual assault trial. I wonder if the verdict would have been the same had the victim been female. The victims were put on trial in both cases. Their sexual history, their behavior prior to the assault(s) and decisions THEY made.
This is where the rant comes in. Our system has all these things put in place to protect the rights of the defendant - I understand why that is important. But what about the rights of the victim? When will those become MORE important in ALL jurisdictions (not just 'educated and informed jurisdictions' but ALL) than the rights of the defendant? When (OH MY GOD WHEN) will we hold people truly accountable for their behaviors?
So I have a question for the jurors of the BVU case? What if this happened to your daughter? Your sister? Your mother? Or for those six women sitting on the jury, YOU? Would your decision be the same? Or is this your way of protecting yourself? Because if you find this monster (by the way the celebration in the hallway AFTER the fact - so much so that the defense attorney had to tell him to go home!! - that should tell anybody involved or following this case the real answer - OMFG) guilty, then you have to admit to yourself that this could happen to you or to your loved one. You can't then blame it on the decisions or choices made leading up to the assault. Is that what this comes down to?
Next week has GOT to be a better week!
It all began when I received the following information for a Sexual Assault Trial. Make sure you go to the link and read it from first sentence to last paragraph. Then I read this article regarding the last part of the trial. Again, make sure you read it from first sentence to last paragraph. And then here is the verdict. Again, please read beginning to end. The context of the rest of this RANT will not work unless you are immersed in the details of this case.
By the time I get to the second sentence of the first article, my blood is boiling. The brutality of the perpetrator and the indifference of the system is amazingly sickening. I can not understand how a jury of 12 people can listen to the evidence relayed in these two articles and say not guilty. NOT GUILTY? Since when does consensual sex leave a laceration injury completely to the pelvic bone? It makes me physically sick to think about the pain this victim went through. The defendant and the victim both testified that she said "NO". Even though the Iowa Code is very specific about what constitutes a "NO". It doesn't matter, they both testified that she said NO.
And the so called EXPERT said that "NO REALLY MEANS YES". WHAT THE FUCK?????? In what instance does NO MEAN YES? Give me an example of NO means YES! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME????????
Okay - breathe.......As an advocate, I am not naive enough to think that the criminal justice system works. It is my experience that in sexual assault cases it very RARELY works. Statistics show that less than 5% of perpetrators of sexual assault NATIONWIDE actually spend any time in jail. I get that. I HATE IT, but I get it. So to hear a case as blatant as this one fit the mold of what we know to be true about sexual assault. The victim's behavior......the perpetrator's behavior........law enforcement's........medical professions.......it goes on and on and on. TEXTBOOK!!!!
When I worked directly with victims and as I taught future victim advocates, I stressed that we have to send a very confusing message: Victim's need to report the assault that happens to them.....but at the same time we have to tell them that even though you report, and go through all the humiliation and pain of the report (just after you were BRUTALLY RAPED), you must find a way to heal from this trauma in spite of the flaws of the judicial system and all the breakdowns that come from that. I wish I could say that for every case like this there are 4 success stories (some credible statistic); but I CAN'T.
So what do we do as a society? How should juries be more educated about victimization, trauma and perpetrator behavior. I think it has to come from the entire communities that we live in. GET OVER YOURSELVES and the thought that 'this can't happen to me because I make better choices'. Or.....this is the rare case because the real perpetrator is the pedophile registered next door or the stranger that jumps out of the bushes on the trail when I am running. The real perpetrator is the person we know -- the relative that has been perpetrating generation after generation after generation and the family system that enables it to continue with secrecy and protection. The real perpetrator is the acquaintance that "parties" with you and forces you by holding you in a chair and then pushing you to the floor and tearing up your insides from the forced sex. The real perpetrator is the husband that forces his wife to have sex because the alternative choice is a kick to the stomach or the head.
Hard words to read? Imagine what she is going through?
GENDERCIDE -- it really isn't just happening in other countries (see my previous post entitled WAR ON HUMANITY). The gendercide happening here is more covert. The "life sentence" that this victim received will be the permanent damage from the physical assault of the rape. It will be the flashbacks and memories FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE! It will be a life sentence of trauma recovery. Can she heal and "FORGET ABOUT IT (don't fucking get me started on therapist that do 'just forget about it' therapy)? Absolutely - and I am confident that because she has survived this long, she will be able to do that - she is STRONG. But it will affect decisions and choices she makes for the rest of her life. It affects who she chooses for a partner. It affects her decisions regarding having children. It affects her career choices.
As I am writing this, I then get a notice from a local news station (cuz that's how I get my information overload) regarding the verdict for a local (here in DM on another college campus) sexual abuse trial. YEAH! A victory in a very brutal sexual assault trial. Are these two cases different? Yes. While I am ecstatic that there is a verdict of GUILTY in a sexual assault trial. I wonder if the verdict would have been the same had the victim been female. The victims were put on trial in both cases. Their sexual history, their behavior prior to the assault(s) and decisions THEY made.
This is where the rant comes in. Our system has all these things put in place to protect the rights of the defendant - I understand why that is important. But what about the rights of the victim? When will those become MORE important in ALL jurisdictions (not just 'educated and informed jurisdictions' but ALL) than the rights of the defendant? When (OH MY GOD WHEN) will we hold people truly accountable for their behaviors?
So I have a question for the jurors of the BVU case? What if this happened to your daughter? Your sister? Your mother? Or for those six women sitting on the jury, YOU? Would your decision be the same? Or is this your way of protecting yourself? Because if you find this monster (by the way the celebration in the hallway AFTER the fact - so much so that the defense attorney had to tell him to go home!! - that should tell anybody involved or following this case the real answer - OMFG) guilty, then you have to admit to yourself that this could happen to you or to your loved one. You can't then blame it on the decisions or choices made leading up to the assault. Is that what this comes down to?
Next week has GOT to be a better week!
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