My tank is empty

WARNING.....WARNING....WARNING

Another post that is negative and YUCK......but for some reason I need to let it ooze out in words and phrases.

My tank is depleted.  I have no more.  Normally I am able to fill it up before the light comes on to tell me I have "low fuel".  But this week, the tank is empty.  I am confused as to why the normal fueling tasks are not perking it right up again.  Those things that worked before to energize and revitalize are not working this week.  This is an area where I can usually go to the self-serve and pump my own gas.  I normally have the capacity to pull a tanker truck behind me and fill it right up.  But that tanker has jack-knifed.

As I started this post on Wednesday, I have spent a fair amount of time writing this - lots of typing and deleting - I am trying to find the reason(s).  Watching human behavior (mine included) has been a large component.  One syphoning issue is all the attention surrounding the words "legitimate" rape, "war on women", etc, etc.....It keeps going.  At first I thought, this is just a bunch of crazy penises that really don't have any power.  But as I read and watch more, I am truly terrified as these things are part of the GOP platform.  We can get swept up in the media hype about the presidential elections.  And yes, they are important, but the REAL power is held in the hands of our CongressMEN and Senators.  And how many of you actually pay attention to the PENISES that make decisions for you?  How many of those men really care what their wives, daughters, sisters, mothers, etc feel about this issue?  How many of their wives play small on these issues?

The other part of this is the accusations and innuendos surrounding MAN hating - at times directed at me.  Are you fucking kidding me?  (My favorite saying by the way!)  That to me is the same thing as saying "what about abused men?"  "What about men who are raped?"  "What about men that get breast cancer?"  WHAT ABOUT THEM?  SHOULDN'T WE (and I am) BE OUTRAGED BY THOSE CRIMES/MEDICAL ISSUES AS WELL?  I equate this to an argument with a teenager or a toddler (same brains by the way).  When confronted with a tough question about their behavior, they throw up an argument that is smoke and mirrors and diverts our attention from the issue at hand.  I acknowledge that there are women that abuse; I acknowledge that there are men that are raped (BY OTHER MEN BY THE WAY), I acknowledge that there are men that get breast cancer.  But who is legislating men's reproductive health?  Who is legislating that insurance companies pay for men's birth control?  Who is saying that men can't determine what they can and can't do with their bodies?  I don't see that.  And that is what we are talking about.  There has never been an argument in a House or Senate committee or on the floor over whether Viagra or Cialis is paid for with health insurance dollars.  There has never been legislation about men who father children and the welfare "reform" surrounding that.

The tank is empty.

I posted a link on Facebook this week from one of my favorite blogs (if you have a chance read it).  The posts here usually make fun of the ridiculousness that is the world, the media, politics, and our obsession with celebrity and OMG do they make me laugh - thus filling my tank.  But Ms. Ryan NAILED IT!  She said that she is officially "in the throes of rape fatigue."  THAT'S IT!  SHE IS RIGHT!  OMG!  That is why my tank is empty.

The constant "blitzkrieg" on a daily basis.  Not just in the media, but to my person empties my tank.  The instances of "playing small" and "biting my tongue" empties my tank.  The thought that "this is it....." empties my tank.  Another verdict in a court case that is "not guilty" empties my tank.  One more task that I don't have the energy for empties my tank.  And it goes on and on.  So not only is my inside tank empty.  That tanker truck I pull along to replenish?  It is empty too.

Ms. Ryan said it best in the last paragraph of her blog:

Eventually a person gets to the point where they can longer withstand the constant blitzkrieg of bullshit. So, Steve King, Todd Akin, and shouty Twitter conservatives: you win. Rape outrage limit reached. I have given this all of my fucks, and the fucks I have given are still not enough fucks. So many more fucks need to be given, and I have exhausted my fuck supply. The fucks are on backorder. Employees are working overtime to restock my fucks, but in the meantime, please accept this 10% off coupon while we wait for the fucks to arrive via FedEx. I'll be over here, drinking wine from a Pac Man mug and watching cartoons.

Or in my case wine from a plastic heart cup and reruns of Friends episodes on TBS......The last one at midnight last night was about a female tanker truck driver.

My frustration with change this week.......

Hello peeps......I haven't been in the present when it comes to blogging and I am really trying to keep it going.  Saturday mornings are my "blog times" and when I am gone away from my house and/or computer, I can't get it done.

Because of this, I decided to talk about my frustrations:

1.     Getting my posts done when life, etc enters in to my brain:

I always have some thing to say -- those of you that are reading this that really know me are chuckling.....admit it you are......But for some reason if I am distracted or not home or "insert other random thing here" then I don't get it done.  I could blame it on ADHD......SQUIRREL.........but that would be a lie.  It really is that my space gets filled and I don't have the energy to add any thing else to it and unfortunately that includes taking a few minutes and writing a post.

2.     Geting older (NOT OLD, JUST OLDER) which is causing my body to have issues:

Now even though I joke about it, I realize that I am far from "OLD".  Although, the realization that I am probably half way through my life smacks me up side the head periodically and brings a sweeping sense of sadness that I shake and shrug off and keep moving forward.  But what my body is trying to tell me is "LISTEN BITCH, YOU SHOULD HAVE TAKEN BETTER CARE OF ME WHEN YOU WERE 20 AND EVEN 30 -- IT IS PAY BACK TIME".  From the sore knees to cortisone shots in a bad ankle, to my inability to take weight off as fast as I would like it, to "KEEP FILLING IN THE BLANKS", these things are piling up and frankly scare the SHIT out of me.  I went to a Podiatrist this week to try to figure out why I am having ankle pain.  In my brain, the visit would take care of the pain and I can keep going as if it were all fine just fine.  But that didn't work.  One cortisone shot - OUCHIE FRICKIN OW!!!!! - and a big bruise later, my ankle still hurts,  I have to wear an ankle brace, I can't wear sandals, and I have to wear tennis shoes at the reception of this upcoming wedding.  (I don't think so just watch me!)  I HATE getting older and "if I knew then what I know now" - YADDA YADDA.......

3.  And last but certainly not least this week, Life Changes:

Changes as we know it affects EVERYTHING.  Family (upcoming wedding), Friends (marriages, transitions, etc), Work (BIG, BIG Changes)!  I am feeling very sad that all the changes that I am seeing before my eyes will affect very important relationships.  Those friendships are going to be different in the future no matter how hard I try to keep them the same.  Only part of that can I control.  Growing and moving and changing is a part of life.  But that doesn't mean I have to like it.  How I relate to friends, family, co-workers is changing.  I can feel it.  I can see it.  Part of me is like "well, let's see where this bronco bucks".  But another part of me is like "NO FRICKIN WAY -  HOLD ON TO THAT ROPE LADY AND RIDE IT".  I think I can't hold on as tight as I think I can and the rope is burning my palm.  I am not the same person I was two years ago.  I am not the same friend.  I am not the same mother.  I am not the same wife.  So does that mean that children, friends, and spouse are going to go "WHAT THE FRUCK?"  Maybe......  I do know that I am frustrated by it.  Probably I over think it.  (But in the wisdom of P!NK - "I THINK YOU'RE FULL OF SHIT").  What once was a comfortable interaction is disjointed and staccato.  I am not sure it is possible to go back.  Should we go back?  Should we embrace the change and keep morphing?  Will the beast at the end be something that I can live with?  I probably just need to hang on and see.  But that requires patience and BOY HOWDY....do I SUCK at that!

So that's it for the week.  It really is confusing and isn't code.  I just needed to get it out there.  What I realized after all the typing this week is that I am SAD.  S-A-D - SAD!  And some people think that is a bad thing.  The sadness helps me to process and it isn't a bad thing.  I think that is how I am coping with CHANGE:  Getting older, relationship morphing, and brain fill.  CHANGE -- MOTHER FRUCKIN' CHANGE!!!!

Mother of the Groom Dress Shopping

Many of you know that we have a wedding coming up.  My oldest is getting married to some one that I am so proud to call a daughter - Kara.  They met in college, rekindled a relationship, and are making it official Labor Day weekend in Chicago.  Check out their engagement pictures and their website here.

The last few months we have been doing lots of things - wedding dress shopping (BEAUTIFUL BY THE WAY), flowers, food, venue, pictures, and all the little details that go with it.

------SIDEBAR---------

          If I were to have to do it again - destination wedding or small wedding - big party -- too stressful!

Any way the last part of my duties besides baking 200 cookies (YEP 200 COOKIES FOR THE RECEPTION) is to find a dress for the wedding.  I am not a person that likes to dress up.  I would be happy in sweat pants or jeans.  But I must for one night.  I have had two different "episodes" of dress trying and have not had any luck.  In fact at Nordstrom's in Chicago, I thought that one of the dresses I tried on would be very appropriate in a Medieval War because it felt like chain mail.  

Any way - I am less than four weeks out and Kara said I can't wear sweatpants.  So she, Bailey and I went shopping Saturday.  We went to Dillard's at Jordan Creek.  The dress section had a wide variety of styles, colors, and some pretty ugly selections.  I tried to have an open mind when I went to the racks and before we knew it we pulled about 10 dresses for me to try on.   Now I HATE trying on clothes.  So again, tried to be patient and here we go.  

The first dress I tried on was this bright blue "halterish" selection.  Slinky and very nice, but not my style and I would have had to wear TWO pair of spanx.  So it went to the NO F-ing WAY PILE!

The second dress was a two piece dress.  I loved the skirt.  And it was petite so it was the correct link for me.  The top was a GLITTERY tank with a jacket for cover.  I put the top on and it was like a GLITTER BOMB exploded all over the place.  There was glitter on my skin, in my bra, on the tops of my feet, all over the dressing room.  Any way - I went out for Kara and Bailey to see and they liked it.  I did too.  Except the GLITTER.  This one went into the MAYBE pile - but I was not confident.

The third dress had a scalloped skirt bottom and a tank top with a jacket.  I LIKE IT in spite of the scalloped bottom.  It is a navy color and has a bit of a rhinestoned top.  This one is in the KEEP pile.

The fourth - eighth dresses are not anything to write home about.  I tried them and quickly put them in the NO F-ing Way Pile.

The ninth dress was a cocktail type dress with a really nice petticoat under neath it.  Again, NAVY and has a pleated bottom on it.  The top is tighter and has an off the shoulder type strap.  I am pretty warm to it, but not completely convinced.  I did put it in the MAYBE pile.  This is Bailey's favorite.  

The last dress was a cream colored dress that I couldn't get over my ass, so it went in the NO F-ing WAY PILE.  

I am down to two dresses.  I bought both of them and plan to take one back.

Here is the first choice:  Is a navy blue cocktail length dress that is form fitting and I apologize for the picture - it was taken by a 12 year old -- but I love her fashion sense.  I like the look with the silver peep toe shoes I got.  This is Bailey's favorite and Kiona's (the 12 year old with the amazing fashion sense) as well.  (Although when I asked her "what about for Auntie Rhonda - she said -- Well..(pause......pause............HAHA)
















Here is a better picture of it off me and on the hanger.

Here is the second choice:

It is a longer more traditional Mother of the Groom dress.  It is navy and I feel more comfortable in this one.  I didn't like it when I saw the scalloped skirt but thought I would give it a try (along with all the other ones I didn't like).  Any way it has beading on the top part and the jacket.  I am not sure I am sold on the silver shoes with it, but I am leaning more toward this one.  Although again I will have to shove all of my self in a pair of SPANX

Bailey thinks this one makes me look like an OLD LADY

Here is a picture of this one on the hanger:
















Tell me what you think. 

I am torn between the two.  I don't want to look like that old Grandma - but I also don't want to look like I am trying to appear younger than I am.  What A DILEMMA!!!  

BRIGHT SIDE -- At least I have a dress........Now here we go ---- let's get 200 cookies made!

My week with Angela (and Karl)

This has been a week that I have been looking forward to for many months now -- that seems to be a theme this year for me - RAGBRAI, Angela's visit, a wedding coming up, and a trip to Ireland.

Angela Shelton (now Kail) is one of my favorite people in the whole wide world.  She is one of the most talented people I know and most importantly she makes me laugh and giggle so hard all the time.

If you don't know who she is, check out her website.  There are many things going on on that website but I think that I spend the most time on her blog.  Her latest blog post talks about something that we all think about - chin hair  or female beards.  It is very insightful - wait - just funny as hell.

Angela agreed to present at the Iowa Attorney General's Office Crime Victim Assistance Division Criminal Justice Conference.  I am so grateful that she shared her message with all those present.

It was also the first time that I met her new husband Karl.  I feel like I have heard so much about him that we have been old friends forever.  It was such a great week to spend time with the both of them.  I am honored to not only have them visit, but for them to spend their honeymoon in Iowa.

I have it in my calendar in PEN to visit them next Summer.  So hang on Pennsylvania and all of Angela's beavers -- I will get there!